Where I am and Where I’m not

Posted on 14/05/2012 by Beth.

I’ve not really been here much, I haven’t really been able to concentrate on anything, stuff’s a bit of a mess if I’m honest.

I probably didn’t announce clearly but I am (hopefully) having another baby in November, making me just over 15 weeks pregnant and this pregnancy is not working out how I’d hoped, wanted or believed it would. I thought number two would be easier didn’t I, stupid person that I am. I also thought I might remember elements of last time but I can’t even recall any of it much.

Anyway, not to go into crazy detail because I’ll go mad thinking about it, this one (the ‘inside baby’) as we call it, was scanned at 13+1 and was perfect, sonographer said ‘nothing negative to say’ which was nice and that was awesome. Got some of your standard scan type photos and a super active baby kicking all over the shop on the screen. Then there was bleeding, couple of hours later, probably inconsequential bleeding but bleeding I still have no answer for – I went and waited in the emergency department of the maternity hospital for four hours (2 on my own…) and the doctor did their usual internal exams and said, they thought it was OK and that I would just have to wait and see, unfortunately. So yeah, I don’t know if my baby is alive. That’s how I see it and I can’t put it any other way…I’ve been waiting and nothing, the bleeding stopped, interspersed with random discharge and other fun stuff and the mountains of sick which has been strangely welcomed but I don’t know if they’re alive.

I’m worried I might have to wait until June (20 week scan) to find out if they’re alive and if they’re not well, what then?

In a dream world I’d stay in bed and cry all day but I can’t can I, selfish etc. I just want to know and then I’ll probably feel like a fucking idiot when they’re fine but still, are they?

This is bloody depressing…and so I’m not really anywhere at the moment.

Review: Tell A Thousand Lies – Rasana Atreya

Posted on 13/05/2012 by Beth.

As a big fan of Indian literature or literature about India, I was really keen to get going with this novel and I was not disappointed. A strong and powerful four star read that I really enjoyed from beginning to end.

The summary gives the impression the reader follows the twins Pullamma and Lata in equal parts and I half expected the narrative to switch between the two sisters but in fact, we are given the story for Pullamma’s perspective and her perspective is just perfect – honest, frank and direct. As a narrator, Pullamma is extremely strong and the author has done well to create a character that is so far from my own background but I could still closely relate to and empathise with her story.

As Pullamma dreams of marriage and children, Lata wants to excel in her studies and become a doctor, both dreams seem impossible from the outset. Pullamma’s dark skin has been the bane of her life and is deemed the reason she cannot be married off whereas Lata is fair skinned and perfect for any suitor, apart from her defiance and determination to study. It’s extremely interesting how the notion of skin colour is so central to the story but it plays throughout and isn’t an uncommon theme in other Indian literature.
The novel is quite slow paced but it works in context. It’s hard to categorise this novel, much of it has a political undertone as the characters are often at the mercy of their local political fiend Kondal Rao who focuses on and controls their family with devastating consequences. It is impossible not to root for Pullamma as she gets up from a thousand setbacks and continues towards her dreams. At the same time, it is hard not to feel some empathy for her sister Lata who finds herself forced along a path she would never have wanted and in response acts despicably.
I really loved this novel, I loved how every single hardship and battle was tackled head on and how the author was able to create believable and genuine characters who it was impossible not to warm too and of course, I loved the ending.

Score:

Thanks to The Kindle Book Review

NB: Tell A Thousand Lies is currently FREE on Amazon – give it a go, it really is worth it.

That’s the end of that then…

Posted on 16/04/2012 by Beth.

That there is a picture of my breastfeeding baby, a million billion months ago, when she was relatively small. Now, she is still relatively small, in comparison to her contemporaries, but well, she’s not feeding anymore. That’s the end of that whole thing.

I’m not sentimental about anything, there’s no point but I can’t say I’m stopping feeding without some regret…if that’s even the right word. I never planned to feed her past 12 months anyway and our actual ‘stopping date’ was around 13 months and a week so yeah, broke my own 12 month plan there. I also never loved feeding her, in my opinion that’s just weird, it was just my duty to do so and well, I’m biologically designed to make sure she can eat and therefore I made sure she ate for as long as she was properly engaged and interested. Now, she’s not. Now, she chews, pinches and doesn’t really pay much attention at all, milk ends up everywhere and she ends up staring at me and talking rather than eating so yeah, she doesn’t fancy it anymore, which is fine. It wasn’t a completely awful un-enjoyable experience and I did enjoy it at times but when you’re given the wriggliest baby in the world with the shortest attention span, trying to keep her still isn’t the easiest of tasks. She had only been feeding once a day for less than 20 minutes for the past few weeks anyway so it did seem a bit pointless.

As well as not being sentimental, I’m not proud about feeding her either. It was my duty and every time someone said well done or whatever, I just didn’t really get it. Medical professionals are seriously into their congratulations, apart from the few I’ve seen past the 12 month mark but that was to be expected. Feeding Jessamy for 13 months wasn’t an achievement, it was what she wanted and needed and therefore, what she was given. It’s that simple in my eyes. What’s more, Jessa has never been ill, not really, I’ve never had the need to take her temperature or panic about her being sick and we’ll give the milk the credit for that one. She’s not the cuddliest of people at the moment so I will miss the closest thing I got to a cuddle but I’m sure, eventually, she’ll decide that cuddling is more fun than headbutting…

This post is obviously a reflection on our experience and isn’t designed to have any bearing on anybody else’s but that should really go without saying.

So yeah, breastfeeding is all but over in this house – I must remember never to walk around naked because if I’m seen, I will still get attacked.

On my Birthday Meme

Posted on 15/04/2012 by Beth.

This meme is one I’ve seen over at Kate’s blog for quite awhile and despite not being tagged (nobody loves me), I noticed that nobody had mentioned my birthday yet and well, I want to be the first to talk about it because I’m like that. I have met three people in my life with the same birthday as me, one was a lady who lived at my Grandad and Grandma’s nursing home (they owned it, weren’t ‘in’ it) and told me she was 100. The second was a horrible neighbour who lived next door when my Dad had a flat near Southport town centre, she was horrible and I didn’t like her having MY birthday. The third was about two weeks ago, I went to my first midwife appointment (hell, the world knows so I might as well talk about it) and the midwife booking me in remarked that she was exactly 30 years older than me to the day – harharhar. Anyway, I’ll get on with the meme goodness.

When is your birthday? 3rd September 1987

Pick three people who share your birthday and share what you know about them.
There aren’t many people I’ve heard of who share my birthday except:

Ferdinand Porsche – back in 1875, not that I’m a big car fan but I am a big fan of all things German/Austrian and can appreciate his genius.

Gerard Houllier – born in 1947, I have a soft spot for Houllier, he may not have been the best manager in the long run (nor I a Liverpool fan) but he seems nice, which doesn’t count for much these days and I like the affection he has for Liverpool and particularly the gratitude he has for the staff at the hospital who repaired his heart after his aorta tear. Rambled a bit right?

Steve Jones – born in 1955 and an original Sex Pistol which makes him inherently cooler than me and Mr. Porsche

I realise I’ve not picked ANY women, which is awful. women born on my birthday however, include a Greek queen and a couple of American actresses I’ve never heard of.

Is anyone listed as being born on the same day as you (ie the same year)? If so, what do you know about them?
3rd September 1987 births include Chris Fountain, who I believe is of Hollyoaks fame (correct my if I’m wrong) and an American Ice Hockey Player called James Neal.

List three people who died on your birthday and tell us what you know about them.
The wonderful poet and writer, e.e.cummings died on my birthday in 1962, which I didn’t know, I really enjoy his poetry and may dig some out tonight.

Oliver Cromwell also died on my birthday, a few years before cummings in 1599 and I don’t really recognise anybody else, so I’ll select someone at random. My birthday isn’t as exciting as I thought.

Finally, Frank Capra, who I have heard of but only vaguely (sorry film fans) who directed It’s a Wonderful Life in 1991.

List three notable events that took place on your birthday.
The most important event which occurred on my birthday which has always made history and particularly the history of the Second World War interesting to me, is that on 3rd September 1939, the British, French, Australian and New Zealand governments declared war on Nazi Germany after Poland was invaded. Needless to say, this date has always stuck in my head.

To keep in with my morbid theme, I’d also like to include the fact that Anne Frank and her family were also put on the last transport train from Westerbork to Auschwitz on 3rd September 1944, arriving three days later and of course, only Otto Frank, her father survived, with Anne dying days before the war was declared over.

On a slightly lighter note (maybe), in 1971 on 3rd September Qatar became an independent state, I’m not sure of the in depth political working of Qatar but I don’t agree with states like Great Britain laying claim to nations thousands of miles away and I support independence through and through in such cases. Go Qatar.

Tell us about a holiday that falls on your birthday.
My birthday often fell on the first day of school which was always depressing but not the end of the world, I was absolutely terrified when it fell on the first day of high school however. This isn’t really a holiday though so, I’ll get on with the more important stuff. From what I can gather, no real UK holidays take place on 3rd September but it has significance in other countries most notably in China as both Armed Forces Day and VJ Day and also as Flag Day in Australia.

Well, I enjoyed doing this, I’m sadly not going to tag anybody as I don’t know who I’d tag but I really loved doing it so if you’re reading this, give it a shot!

Review: Drayling by Terry J. Newman

Posted on 15/04/2012 by Beth.

Another offering thanks to being a member at The Kindle Book Review :)! Here’s the synopsis I received from the author about his work:

The small district of Drayling, in Southern 25th Century Britain, is typical of communities throughout the country, and its citizens live in harmony and contentment.
Following the death of the head of the national government, however, there is a significant shift in approach – which forces a small group of ordinary people to conclude that they have no alternative but to take radical action to protect their way of life. This is their story.
Not wishing to spoil the read, suffice to say that this is a different kind of science fiction book – for the intelligent reader.

Before I begin, I have to say that Drayling is not the kind of book I’d usually choose or even one I’d consider on an off chance but on this occasion, I thought it couldn’t hurt to try and I believe my decision was justified. Though not without its flaws, Drayling is a novel which really works has strong believable characters and a completely restructured dystopian future which is actually conceivable.
Throughout Drayling, the reader learns exactly how this new 25th century state works, complete with full breakdowns of the political and historical background to the current state, which can get a bit heavy but is wholly relevant when you reach the conclusion. The author’s ability to imagine a completely new and advanced state is really remarkable and not something I could easily do, with all the intricacies so carefully worked out. In fact, the depth he goes to explain the intricacies of the system make the ending even more powerful.
My problems with the novel lie mainly in the political structure that the novelist has created, briefly towards the end, the mention of only men holding positions of power is mentioned but up until this point, the only female characters (two or three in total) are extremely peripheral and although they have their purposes, one character even refers to his wife as just that, ‘wife’, which certainly didn’t sit well with me but I have to concede it made sense in the context of the rest of the novel.
As the story picks up pace and more time is spent on action rather than discussing the possibility of action, this novel really comes into its own and of course, everybody loves a novel where it’s near impossible to pre-empt the ending and this aim is most definitely achieved.

Score:

Review: The Persistence of Crows by Grant Maierhofer

Posted on 11/04/2012 by Beth.

Another fantastic offering thanks to signing up with the guys at The Kindle Book Review and a novel by an author who I can genuinely say is a really great guy worth having a chat to, but anyway, the review is a bit more important than my ramblings, so here it is.

The Persistence of Crows is a strange novel, but I don’t mean this in a negative or derogatory way, it’s this strangeness which made me enjoy it so much and feel like I really got to know the protagonist and narrator, Henry Alfi.
Henry’s life has been less than ordinary, finding himself outside society and his childhood packed out with visits to psychiatrists, treatment for depression and then later, addictions. Henry doesn’t see many positives in life yet despite this, his aims in life are very simple, become a writer and have a family/fall in love. When we meet him, Henry is sober and working his way through college, in a school he hates but he does have the chance to write for the school newspaper. It’s through this that he gets the chance to visit New York City for a journalism conference.
I think Henry was written in a sensitive and beautiful way, even at his lowest moments, including stretches of the novel where the reader seems to slip into Henry’s consciousness and I found it really refreshing to be drawn into his mindset in an attempt to figure him out. Henry’s time in New York is fantastically written too and made me want to follow him there and enjoy all the experiences he enjoyed. I found the ending of the novel absolutely perfect, cannot be faulted.
One of the shining glories of this novel is the ease at which Henry comes across fantastic characters whilst in New York. From the old guy on the subway who he has a proper deep heart to heart with to the musician earning her bucks in Central Park, each of these people is instantly memorable and perfectly drawn.
Maierhofer’s novel is about someone trying to grow up and reach their goals and the people they encounter along their way. However, it is much deeper than this too, dealing with the inner turmoil experienced by someone who yearns to write and find their way in the world. A fantastic read.

Score:

Review: Rebecca’s Tale by Sally Beauman

Posted on 10/04/2012 by Beth.

I love Daphne du Maurier, I love Rebecca, I love almost everything I’ve ever read by her (there are exceptions) and I love Hitchcock’s retelling of Rebecca. So, with that in mind, I’ve been lusting after Rebecca’s Tale by Sally Beauman for some time. I first came across Beauman when I read Rebecca (which, to my shame was only for the first time in 2010) and she wrote the introduction. After reading Rebecca, realising it was a bit of a classic, cult classic, whatever – I came across both Rebecca’s Tale and Mrs de Winter by Susan Hill and for some reason (many reasons) they ended up at the back of my memory. I put a few books on ReadItSwapIt and one of those was requested and I noticed Rebecca’s Tale in their library which was pretty awesome as it wasn’t on my mind but I just had to have it and there we go, interesting back story? Or not.

Rebecca’s Tale is fascinating, a lot of it is told from the point of view of the Julyan family who hardly entered my mind when reading the original Rebecca but that hardly seemed to matter. I had a couple of problems with it, but that’s just me and despite that, it still gets a firm five stars and sits among my 2012 favourites. Here’s a quick synopsis from the novel’s publishers:

On the twentieth anniversary of the death of Rebecca, the hauntingly beautiful first wife of Maxim de Winter, family friend Colonel Julyan receives an anonymous parcel. It contains a black notebook with two handwritten words on the title page — Rebecca’s Tale — and two pictures: a photograph of Rebecca as a young child and a postcard of Manderley. Rebecca once asked Julyan to ensure she was buried in the churchyard facing the sea: if she ended up in the de Winter crypt, she warned, she’d come back to haunt him. Now, it seems, she has finally kept her promise.

Julyan’s conscience has never been clear over the official version of Rebecca’s death. Was Rebecca the manipulative, promiscuous femme fatale her husband claimed. Or the gothic heroine of tragic proportions that others had suggested. The official story, the ‘truth’, has only had Maxim’s version of events to consider. But all that is about to change…

Continue reading →

Review: A Military Republic by Haythem Bastawy

Posted on 07/04/2012 by Beth.

This novel was the third that came to me courtesy of The Kindle Book Review and dealt with issues and ideas that I’d never come across before. Really enlightening and interesting.

Here’s a quick synopsis:

In a country torn between religious and political factions, where fear lies in every corner like thick cobwebs, where tyranny clings to the air like humidity, where a brutal police force clubs and tortures young broken hearts, a young man starts a quest for a job, a life, and a future. The muslim brotherhood treat him as a friend. The socialists hail him as a comrade. He becomes a usual face at the local church. He dreams of a revolution and falls in love. His curiosity pushes him forward, and his fear shrinks gradually in his heart, only to make him slowly and unwittingly tread into the ring of danger. (Based on the events that led to the Egyptian Revolution)

Haythem Bastawy’s novel is unlike anything I have read before and truly introduced Egypt to me in a way I had never considered it. I know very little about Egyptian politics, aside from the relatively recent news coverage of the Revolution etc so found Bastawy’s work both enlightening and extremely interesting.

Throughout A Military Republic, the reader follows Hesham as he moves from one group to another, involving himself with different religious and political groups and seeing the ins and outs of what goes on with every group. Throughout his time he has some seriously interesting and in depth discussions with his companions who fall into many groups including Socialists, Muslim Brotherhood members and Christians. Hesham understands and studies different plights in an attempt to see how a revolution could work but like many, he is scared and frightened of police reaction, as he has seen it dealt out many times before.

As well as dealing with his political and personal confusion, Hesham also finds himself growing up and falling in love. His relationship with Noorah is one of the most powerful connections throughout the novel and I believe the most genuinely written. I’m not usually drawn to romance and love in a novel but this really worked for me and I enjoyed reading about their relations and the hardships they faced. However, I felt more closure was needed regarding their relationship and I feel something was missing to conclude it in a better way for my liking.

This novel is extremely well thought out and covers some seriously strong and hard going issues which cannot be overlooked. As someone who has never read anything about this time period or area of politics before I have to say it was enlightening. I have given the novel three stars however, as there were a few editing issues which did detract from my enjoyment and I also felt the end was rushed but all in all very enjoyable and eye opening work.

Score:

Blockages and Stoppages: Brain Freeze

Posted on 05/04/2012 by Beth.

Before I even start, I suppose I should say this post has nothing to do with bowels or those sort of blockages. Once I wrote the title I kind of thought ‘ew’ but then, I’m not talking internal activity here so it’s not really as horrible as it may sound.

I think my brain is giving up on letting me do anything even remotely relaxing or separate from work and life and work and life. I haven’t even blogged ‘properly’ in terms of anything aside from reviews (which I love) and that’s about it. I used to spend HOURS writing shit, the operative word probably being shit but then, it was something and I enjoyed it and bits and bats got themselves featured in a few online zines which was nice. Then I started relying upon words to pay the bills.

I’m starting to think writing for a living is killing any passion I have when it comes to enjoying it and that certainly wasn’t the aim. I’m not sure if it’s me just being my usual pessimistic self or that I’ve just given up but I’d like to find out.

I don’t even know where to begin…any advice?

Review: The Ninth Orphan by James & Lance Morcan

Posted on 04/04/2012 by Beth.

This is the second of my Kindle Book Review offerings and another good one, really enjoying the chance to read all these indie novels I would never have come across or even considered otherwise. Quick synopsis:

How do you catch a man who is never the same man twice?

That is the question posed in The Ninth Orphan, a new release conspiracy thriller novel…

An orphan grows up to become an assassin for a highly secretive organization. When he tries to break free and live a normal life, he is hunted by his mentor and father figure, and by a female orphan he spent his childhood with. On the run, the mysterious man’s life becomes entwined with his beautiful French-African hostage and a shocking past riddled with the darkest of conspiracies is revealed.

Fast-paced, totally fresh and original, filled with deep and complex characters, The Ninth Orphan is a controversial, high-octane thriller with an edge. Merging fact with fiction, it illuminates shadow organizations rumored to exist in the real world.

Tackling genetic selection, mind control, secret societies and a chase around the globe, The Ninth Orphan also has a poignant, romantic sub-plot. The story contains the kind of intimate character portraits usually associated with psychological novels.

The Ninth Orphan ranks amongst the best thrillers I have ever come across and I am really pleased to have been given the chance to read it as I would never have naturally picked it up. With every emotion from pure fear to grief to even a little romance, this novel hits all the bases and doesn’t disappoint.

The Ninth Orphan is an extremely fast paced thriller as we follow the curiously named Nine as he attempts to free himself from the corrupt agency he was born into and begin again as a free man. The story follows Nine in the present but constantly we’re given crystal clear flashbacks to his childhood as part of the Pedemont Orphanage programme, where, along with twenty-three other orphans, he had a less than regular upbringing.
From the first chapter, we’re given a hint at the kind of character Nine might be, despite his future as a faultless assassin and as the novel continues so does our understanding and belief in his character. What I loved most about this novel was Nine’s fantastic chameleon abilities, which lead to the Chinese agents on his tail to dub him ‘Changing-Face Dragon’. Wherever and whatever he’s doing Nine is able to mould himself a new disguise from busty blonde to Sikh gentleman, the opportunities are endless and barely believable.
Once on the run, Nine finds himself in France and his mentor-cum-father figure Tommy Kentbridge is on his tail along with one of his fellow orphans, known by her number, Seventeen. Nine knows time is short and it isn’t exactly the moment to be getting caught up in romantic affairs yet this seems to be on the cards and when things don’t look like they could get any more complicated, they do.
Fast paced, full of twists and turns and exactly what anyone would want from a thriller – sensational.